dreaming
blue
tunesluvr
someone posted this in an FTM community about the differences in your subconscious during/before/after starting your physical transition...

"I don't seem to have a thinking voice; I think in images, nebulous concepts or written text at various times. But I can answer the dream part: I am usually me and male, and this was the case long before I began transition - indeed, it was one of the things that made me start considering transition in the first place, because I felt so normal and comfortable having a male body in my dreams. (Occasionally I am female, but not me i.e. I am occupying someone else's role in a dream; sometimes I am a small child, sometimes a person of a different ethnic background, sometimes not human at all, or even embodied - I once dreamt I existed in the form of binary code.)"

i became totally intrigued by this. dreams are so intensely complex. when i go back to school, i want to take some type of course or study dreams.
that whole thread in that community is filled with amazing comments on individual dreams/subconscious thoughts.
maybe i'll start a dream journal. i should start writing them down.

good news this morning!
blue
tunesluvr
wow it's been a while since i posted. for real..

my good news is - i didn't realize that i didn't need the letter from my therapist before i could 'book' my surgery date! that means, i can 'book' the date (once the money's in order) and continue seeing my therapist and have her write the letter as long as it's before the date itself.

long story.. long (ha)
my last therapist (that i'd been seeing since early january) just totally disappeared on me. without a word. i've called multiple times, left numerous messages for her, sent her many emails... and still... nothing. wtf.. she was ready to write me that letter on the very first meeting with her and now, when i'm ready and i need it, she just floats away. into mid-air. LAME

luckily, a few months ago i got a list of references from a friend. with 'friendly' doctors & therapists in my area! (my old therapist was a 3 hour drive from here.. always had to take a day off of work for it LAMEx2) so, i contacted a therapist from that list & told her my story. she's willing to help any way she can! she's never written a letter like that before but she's gonna help me out anyway :)  i'll be seeing her next month, i think. we both have intensely packed schedules for September.

i'll head to the bank soon. check how much i'm qualified to borrow. my credit is good so i hope it'll be enough for the entire amount of surgery. i need to start saving up again, for the 2 weeks without work that'll come with the surgery, too.

i'm ready! W00T!

Gavin
blue
tunesluvr
I don't want to get too close
I don't want to get too close
You see this isn't where my head is
If you knew me I'm not like this
But I just found someone special
And that's really something special
If you knew me
Nice to meet you anyway

I believe you're very fine
Still I haven't got the time
Cause I just found someone special
And that's really something special
If you knew me
Nice to meet you anyway

And the sky opened up
With the soil of the sun
Dreaming of my true love

I don't mean to be so strange
But my life just took a change
Cause I just found someone special
And that's really something special
If you knew me
Nice to meet you anyway

And the sky opened up
With the soil of the sun
Dreaming of my true love

So before this goes too far
Let me tell you what you are
You're amazing, I'm attracted
But I'm terribly distracted
And I'm trying to be verbal
And I'm back into this circle
Cause I just found someone special
And that's really something special
If you knew me
Nice to meet you 
Nice to meet you anyway

Even if you want me to stay here
I'm tellin you right now i can leave
Before i get to changing my mind here
Nice to meet you, Nice to meet you anyway...

I hope you understand what I mean....


-degraw

big trip! (at least for me)
blue
tunesluvr
today's the day!
i fly out at 6:30pm and i'll arrive in San Francisco around 11pm
i'm really excited about being in a 'different world' for a few days. even being in DC a month ago felt like i was in a different world than East TN... then again, i think anyone feels like they go back in time when they're in this area.
maybe seeing the west coast will open my eyes to even more possibilities when i'm ready to relocate.
yeah, being around a much larger trans community will be the BOMB! but i just wanna be around people that allow me to feel like a person too. that's my biggest excitement about this trip. feeling like the only transguy in this whole city just makes it feel that much heavier. i think if i didn't feel so singled out, it wouldn't be such a huge ordeal. like my own 'trans-ness' wouldn't be out-weighing everything else in my life. i could focus on things like.. maybe going back to school. putting more work into music. getting a camera like i've been meaning to. maybe some tattoos. and travelling. once i get through the transitional process, all of those things will come to the surface of me no matter where i live.

so, as for this new experience, i'm sure i'll have a lot to say about it. i've been told that once i get out there, i won't wanna come back to the South ha. hopefully this journal will be hearing from me come Tuesday
:)

what a checklist
blue
tunesluvr
i need to get in a 'packing' state of mind. and no i don't mean 'packing-packing' lol . i mean packing for the San Fran trip ! it's right around the corner and i'll probably need to make a checklist so that i don't forget something important.

- find large duffle bag
- look for sunscreen (just incase. i don't normally need it)
- make a list of clothes to take
- find sleeping bag
- plenty of batteries for the camera
- laptop (?) .. maybe i'll leave it at home

things needed before i leave

- disposable camera
- clean sheets
- condoms
- maybe some lovin

a week away
blue
tunesluvr
i leave for a San Francisco visit in a week from tomorrow. i am so intensely ready to see the west coast!! i mean, i was born in San Diego, but i was 3 when i left there so none of that memory exists.
all i had to do was purchase the plane ticket. i'll have a place to stay and plenty of people to meet once i get there! i'll be staying thursday night through monday night. i'm also pretty thankful for a job that allows me to do these sort of things; just getting the days off and making trips.
i won't have this job for much longer so i've been trying to take advantage of everything it is. the paid time off for surgery is a huge deal. and missing 2 weeks of work will be interesting to explain to the boss-man. i mentioned i was trans before, months ago. but i never went into detail about my plans. he's busy enough that he's probably forgotten about me even mentioning that months ago...

this reminds me:
i need to set up an appointment for an eye exam.
i'm getting myself contacts for my birthday!

first step
blue
tunesluvr
today was the day!
the day i had my name legally changed!
i can't believe how easy it was, either. typed out my own case paperwork, saw the judge in his own office, one on one, i raised my right hand, he signed the paper, stamped it with today's date, and sent me on my way!
i had copies printed, which were outrageously expensive... but i did it anyway. it's worth it to me.
gonna go get a new license this afternoon!

next step: apply for financial aid for surgery

guitar time
blue
tunesluvr
i'll be sitting in on a band practice in a while. a couple friends i've made recently have been in a band for years & once they found out i played guitar, they immediately said 'uh we definitely think you are way better than our current rhythm guitarist. you should TOTALLY sit in on our practice sometime!"
so, today is that day.
i haven't been part of a band since high school. that was 7 years ago.
i gotta be honest; i'm a little nervous about their expectations, you know? like, them telling me how good i am, then getting there, picking up the guitar, and forgetting what an E chord is or something retarded like that... lol

hopefully, it's all in my head.
i'm excited about this, for real. i've been longing to share music with people for years. you never know. maybe i'll fit right in and the musical outcome will be something we all love!

fingers crossed!

bus-i-ness
blue
tunesluvr
why is work being so consuming that i can't have time to write my name change case??
i wish work was a person. i'd tell it back off ... or else!

i think i'm the furthest from dangerous. or intimidating, for that matter.

a trip to mom's is in order. we haven't spent time alone in a super long time. and definitely not since the transition-part of the things have started. .. not that i'm post-anything. but for a parent, i suppose the effect is a little different than the way my friends dealt with it.
maybe we'll hang out & talk about things. just one on one.
it should be a good visit.

the distance
blue
tunesluvr
      this breakup caused a huge amount of space between me and the group of friends i used to be with 24/7. i'm guessing that it'll get better with time, and it's not like i've forgotten all about them. i miss them. terribly. i miss having good times and being able to relate to them in so many ways. although, i don't miss feeling like a girl all the time around them. always feeling like i had to really, seriously 'try' to be a boy. i don't miss that. i suppose that's kinda how it goes when you've known the people for your whole life. of course they don't really see you in any other way.
      i've been spending my 'friend' time with some really great new people. they met me as a guy & they don't see me as anything else. it feels good knowing i don't have to struggle everyday with the 'trying'. don't get me wrong; i still feel like i have to 'try' at passing everyday. but, with just hanging out, grabbing dinner, maybe drinks, it's not an anxiety issue just before i leave the house. that was getting tough for me a couple months ago.
     

      so, with this name change, i'll just have a first initial, full first name & full last name. as i get closer to having if officially changed, i've been strongly considering going by my middle name since it'll be what shows up on cards & IDs. it'll be the name that the server at the restaurant says outloud while passing out the card after paying for dinner. having to answer the question "Mason? who's that?" might get redundant after a while. i really love the name Mason. maybe it'll become a bigger part of me.

?

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